fit

in your arms
mine around your middle
my head rested perfectly next to your throat
feeling your breath
the weight of your body - leaning in
the heat from your legs
mending the chill of mine
i could have held on forever

and your lips touched mine
your face leaning in
the taste ive struggled to keep
hidden beneath my tongue

the dim street light
held your features in time
your scruff and smile
beaming back
and we knew
the love was still there
we didnt forget
and im grateful for the remembering
to have held you for the moment
warmed by the memory -
the exchange

emptyness

commence

worn

thread bare
and raw

these threads are getting worn
tangled and frayed

grasping them they cut my palms
my hand bleeds red

i wipe my eyes of tears but smear the hot mess
on my lashes and brow

but we keep waiting
silent glances while the other is thinking
the blood drying/cracking

i know these are long:
the warn threads that keep us
together

the facts surface each day -

no recovery!

no preservation!

all loss!


the place where i wish i could be:
the warmth inside your heart
a beautiful song in your head
in the landscape of your dreams
a love that you might always remember

yet the feeling that i exist between:
a dim memory
a burst of tears
dusty photographs
a furrowed brow
a song that isn't worth sharing

this is what i wake up to feel:


distant
- a part of your past
heavy and worn



{but im still here}
{still breathing and waking}
{still wishing for happiness}
{laughing and holding myself}
{looking in the mirror and knowing}
{i will love/i will feel love again}

poo

im sorry boo.
i love you
and your water butt too.

rest

my eyes flutter
hands reaching out
when I open them
I see your face in the dim light
you look at me and watch me
move in and out of sleep

when I rest my head against your skin
my body feels electric
a soft warm hum
and calm

Last night I rubbed your sagging shoulders
tried to shift your tangledness
pressed my face on the warmth of your neck
your smell, your heat on my skin

I felt the rock inside you
heavy and tender
if i could reach inside your chest
grasp it like treasure
break it into dust
one that blows away in air
i would

Im sorry for the rock, for the tender weight we feel
you mean so much, what feels like a life time
of memories and travels
that I fear will end
And could this really be that end?
Could we both walk away?
I am reluctant to even read those words
speak or write them

you are like an organ inside of my chest
vital and real
hidden inside yet so alive
I feel you pumping
keeping me breathing
pushing me forward
and I am afraid that I need you
afraid of what my body will do
if you disappear
if the veins that tie us together are severed
and you stop pumping
we stop breathing together
the sleep between our bodies is dissolved
and where we rest our heads
there is no warmth from the other
and i cant smell your hot skin on my face
when we rest

the drug

its whats inside
a liquid mixed with blood
a concentrated reaction
action

I pick up a shovel every time
digging a hole wherever I might stand
on the street corner
on a hill below the sky

the dirt is thrown aside
an empty hole for me to lie in
a grave from the chemical release
and I am taken

pushed to knock you down
all the seccret plans are playing in my head
its a hot injection, I feel it hit my heart
pumping the hot fluid to my limbs
kicking and pushing until I make contact.
with you or me
thin hands fly down on soft skin
and Im afraid of what Ill do one day.

this is not me.
i have been stolen
take this body and give me mine
in exchange
because what I do with my heart and
that shovel under the reckless
influence of now
is not what I want

not what I want of this life
and for this love