a wound that never healed

without closure the skin never meets
over the gash
the tissue never reforms
and its just raw
tender to the touch

the weapon was the loss of you
your silent goodbye
walking past me without a word
truths hidden
kept between you two
and the trust i poured out like a fresh gallon of milk
only to sour and rot
destined for an empty jug
a heart with nothing in it
curdled and dry

and the wounds have never healed
because none of it was ever closed
left open and bare
a mess untended and repressed

what i want is to heal
the scars to go away too
to trust again
that you are good
kind and gentle

a full jug
a million gallons
of love
that ive missed
for far too long

your magesty

the wind it whipped it
the low arching branches
sag and heave
ready to sleep
bare boned and raw
yet we caught it
before the leaves dropped
just as they curled into themselves
saving their warmth

so we cut the branches down
one for you
one for me
and you bent yours around
a leafy willow moon
that you placed on my head

a crown for a queen you said
as you leaned down to meet me

so i worked your moon in my hands
waxing it with care
for your own crown was as full as my heart
was with love

and we walked as if we had our land
arms locked - crowns alike
we danced through the city streets
and granted wishes to all who passed by

lucid

i see you in the fog
clinging to the tree tops,
their leaves all fire and flame
your white body soft,
it simply rests on their shoulders
yet when you see me pass by
you just tug their tips
and the embers rain down,
dying and infinite

in the presence of a stranger

I cried

talking about unrequited love
your old lover
my failures and wounds

my wish to have been honored
to have been given the gift
of truth
and respect

the tears streamed down my face
hot in the already warm room
the rug underfoot was a south west sunset
one which we saw together
now my tears wet it
extinguished its fire

At that moment I paused
my wavering voice
filled the room
yet the heat from my wet eyes
made the space seem quiet

I finally looked at this strangers face
and realized she had tears in her eyes too -
for I was at the point in the story where I said

"I just want love and I want truth
and I want to be treated with kindness...
but that's not what has ever happened
and now I have to deal with it all again,
broken and alone"

her kind face crumpled in sadness and I fell apart
I rested my head back and let the tears
stream down my neck and into my hair

in just under an hour
I described the struggle of childhood
the abuse as a teenager
and the tender love
that has just unraveled
in my heart

all in the presence of a stranger

ice house

we have built our home on a block of ice
only to watch it melt
our bodies slipping into its muddy underneaths
and shivering from the slow transition


I

this evenings walkings brought me
down alleyways of bursting flowers
the unripe blackberries
never crushed under hot tongues
grasses still green
and dry land soon to be winter moistened

II

the structure began to crack
all those months ago
imperceptible hairline fractures
shifting the view from eachothers eyes
and our feet began to get cold
our soles growing flaky peeling and cracked

III

the mud has stained everything
the mixture of ice and water and dirt
up to our thighs
smeared on our backs when we decide
that we want our bodies to lay together
to rest in the sludge and dream

IV

i sit in these same clothes
from the last 3 days
with the dried thickness on my sleeves
the smell of the earth drying on the fibers
and in my hair
the mud dries out our skin
and we tear off layers of it
in a vain attempt to make it all go away

V

we may find another structure
to build it on again
but i will remember that building such a thing -
upon the solid of a liquid
or the ephemera of a moment
will always lead to the landslide
of heart heat and feeling
that will wash us both away
and wash us far apart

these old lines feel new

i havent slept for days now
getting anxious on my own
feeling trapped inside
the same old things
same old routine
the same old schemes

attach/abandon

habitual
boiled over
incorporated

a pattern
like a well worn trail
the ruts of a much traveled dirt road

the severing of ties
a reluctance of closeness
hoping for a new life alone

sends the ball down the track
around the bend at fear
bumping the corner of loneliness
back to the beginning with more force
you will leave
i will be alone

to stop the ball
and erase the track
remold the schema

lets work together -
you and me
all of us

reshape the blueprints
of our expectations
and the fears that bring us
crashing down

the real (this is the story of how I've come to realize that I wasn't me)

a smile curled on your face
a goofy wave of your hand
our laughter spilling out
a warm surge in my heart

I'm here
this is who I am
this is really me
the real me
(and you think - "she's being really nice, im not sure about this")

that is sad.
because I do have compassion for you,
a compassionate love that lends you my hand
my help, my care and love.

When I slip back into forgetting the real -
I go back to the anger
or the anger that makes it -
perpetuates the unreal

Each night we've climbed into bed
held each other for the thousandth time
and dreamt,
our arms and legs
wrapped within and around

Im grateful for these nights
for the crackle of the fire
the streaming of the hot water
down our backs
the tea kettle whistle in the early dawn
and just being near.

this is me, nate
the real me
I am good.
I love.
laugh.
care.

and Im sorry again,
( the unreal )
yelling
pushing
crashing-

this into darkness

when we actually shine a light of our own,
(that shouldn't be dimmed)
and I hope that you feel it

And hope that Im not just a place to stay-

an old lover hotel

please!

Im more than that.

My love is real
and so am I.

fit

in your arms
mine around your middle
my head rested perfectly next to your throat
feeling your breath
the weight of your body - leaning in
the heat from your legs
mending the chill of mine
i could have held on forever

and your lips touched mine
your face leaning in
the taste ive struggled to keep
hidden beneath my tongue

the dim street light
held your features in time
your scruff and smile
beaming back
and we knew
the love was still there
we didnt forget
and im grateful for the remembering
to have held you for the moment
warmed by the memory -
the exchange

emptyness

commence

worn

thread bare
and raw

these threads are getting worn
tangled and frayed

grasping them they cut my palms
my hand bleeds red

i wipe my eyes of tears but smear the hot mess
on my lashes and brow

but we keep waiting
silent glances while the other is thinking
the blood drying/cracking

i know these are long:
the warn threads that keep us
together

the facts surface each day -

no recovery!

no preservation!

all loss!


the place where i wish i could be:
the warmth inside your heart
a beautiful song in your head
in the landscape of your dreams
a love that you might always remember

yet the feeling that i exist between:
a dim memory
a burst of tears
dusty photographs
a furrowed brow
a song that isn't worth sharing

this is what i wake up to feel:


distant
- a part of your past
heavy and worn



{but im still here}
{still breathing and waking}
{still wishing for happiness}
{laughing and holding myself}
{looking in the mirror and knowing}
{i will love/i will feel love again}

poo

im sorry boo.
i love you
and your water butt too.

rest

my eyes flutter
hands reaching out
when I open them
I see your face in the dim light
you look at me and watch me
move in and out of sleep

when I rest my head against your skin
my body feels electric
a soft warm hum
and calm

Last night I rubbed your sagging shoulders
tried to shift your tangledness
pressed my face on the warmth of your neck
your smell, your heat on my skin

I felt the rock inside you
heavy and tender
if i could reach inside your chest
grasp it like treasure
break it into dust
one that blows away in air
i would

Im sorry for the rock, for the tender weight we feel
you mean so much, what feels like a life time
of memories and travels
that I fear will end
And could this really be that end?
Could we both walk away?
I am reluctant to even read those words
speak or write them

you are like an organ inside of my chest
vital and real
hidden inside yet so alive
I feel you pumping
keeping me breathing
pushing me forward
and I am afraid that I need you
afraid of what my body will do
if you disappear
if the veins that tie us together are severed
and you stop pumping
we stop breathing together
the sleep between our bodies is dissolved
and where we rest our heads
there is no warmth from the other
and i cant smell your hot skin on my face
when we rest

the drug

its whats inside
a liquid mixed with blood
a concentrated reaction
action

I pick up a shovel every time
digging a hole wherever I might stand
on the street corner
on a hill below the sky

the dirt is thrown aside
an empty hole for me to lie in
a grave from the chemical release
and I am taken

pushed to knock you down
all the seccret plans are playing in my head
its a hot injection, I feel it hit my heart
pumping the hot fluid to my limbs
kicking and pushing until I make contact.
with you or me
thin hands fly down on soft skin
and Im afraid of what Ill do one day.

this is not me.
i have been stolen
take this body and give me mine
in exchange
because what I do with my heart and
that shovel under the reckless
influence of now
is not what I want

not what I want of this life
and for this love

ancient

so this is the ocean receding

and this is the mountain where it stands

dry desert; the ghosts of pounding waves

the heat dries salty wounds





i opened a bag to find the relics of our time in the desert
pulling out each one, the memory came back
the shells turned agate
in a million (some) years,
they foreshadow this moment

in our early dawn you captured that favorite image
the dry desert of owyhee

and now
that is where we are,
where we live

all scattered with shells

and empty

sink:sing

your head above water
your body dragged below
knees banged
knuckles scraped and raw

the cold water numbs

your thoughts hang above you
as you are rushed through each rapid
heart beat blood to your warm breath
air freezes cheeks that are flushed

the red that seeps from slits on your feet
travels faster than your body
it gets caught on a branches,
along the shore

but you keep passing by it
the current is faster than your pulse
and with your hands out
they reach to touch the raw breeze

little by little

we stood in the window and cawed
birds on a wire

watching them hack away the arms, the limbs
our privacy! our youthful world at jeopardy!

'how could they do that to the yard' we whined
as they snipped and sawed - following orders

i offered them coffee and tea as it poured down rain
and we sat in the warmth of the kitchen, saddened

yet spring came and the blooms caught our eyes
captured on paper and film
the couches were dragged out
and occasionally someone would water the green amputees
peering through the holes at the old dog behind

the outdoor theater drew the crowds
bringing lawn chairs and beers
hollering sarcasms and cute jeers

and they grew
they reached out to touch the young in the back row
touch their bare summer skin
their tank tops and bike baskets

the branches sprouted green
all hot and shiny from sun

each week theyd come
sitting and laughing
and inch by inch the leaves grew,
imploding the bare hole with their
handsome lush sheen

now the summer closure is unspoken
the nights bring chills

under the dark sky
the growing continues

as they lay out to see the meteors showering
the leaves tremble and ache to join them

unfolding for them all - to preserve the wild,

the magic of the enclosed world

the yard of the young

all cradled and green

Perseid

the dross of the comet
is our gold of the sky

as it draws too close
a spectacle explodes in the air


extinct through flash and glitter



like our bodies, slammed together and shattered
we created light and spark


but the dust from our crash is floating down
falling in the eyes of the watching
breathed to the lungs of the breathing
sped quick through the blood
to the hearts that are beating

and we will remain in the ground and the blood
and we'll wait

for our celestial bodies have met
they have been torn apart
but may they rest and grow
to be reunited again
in the pulse of the world

retire

did you take them down?
the record of those moments

our reconstructed bursts of love
on different lands

do the pictures still rest on the ledge
watching you dream and draw

is the caption of love attached
to my bundled up smile

where will they rest when you do
in a box or in an altar
sent in a letter for me to keep

or will you let them stay
a reminder
of our widened path
the spirit that brought us together
to be on the wind,
a light and free double headed seed
blown across the lands and the sea

woven mourning

pulling back the covers, i began to weep

your smell was on my pillow

my wet face soaked the cotton weave

where your back left its scented print.

yet i know that by the morning

my own tears and grease will have

chased it all away

tied

ive tied a thread to each piece which holds a memory of you.
all of these threads are draped thick across the hard wood floor

the lines hang heavy out of the open window,
blocking parked cars and tripping small children

threads get snagged sometimes, snapping
that memory is forgotten where the two pieces break apart

yet there are still thousands of threads, stretching 6 blocks
around street posts and into peoples yards

and the ivy has grown thick around them - straining them
as they hang down through the small dusty window

the lines trail to the warmth in you
and are tied delicately to your heart

was this all the last :

time i smell your skin
feel our toes move like urchins
sleep behind your slumber

was this the final:
head on your chest
arms around my body
warm puzzle completed

will i ever:
find you sleeping in my bed
read your heartfelt letter
hear a song thats meant for me

right now i wish:
love mended all our broken edges
sewed a patch over drafty holes
and brought us softly back
together

strum

i listen to your words
wise beyond your years
a timeless flutter to those bitter lines

yet you strum and smile
and grow old from your smoke
and the voice which once
poured out crystals
is gravel to the bones