the real (this is the story of how I've come to realize that I wasn't me)

a smile curled on your face
a goofy wave of your hand
our laughter spilling out
a warm surge in my heart

I'm here
this is who I am
this is really me
the real me
(and you think - "she's being really nice, im not sure about this")

that is sad.
because I do have compassion for you,
a compassionate love that lends you my hand
my help, my care and love.

When I slip back into forgetting the real -
I go back to the anger
or the anger that makes it -
perpetuates the unreal

Each night we've climbed into bed
held each other for the thousandth time
and dreamt,
our arms and legs
wrapped within and around

Im grateful for these nights
for the crackle of the fire
the streaming of the hot water
down our backs
the tea kettle whistle in the early dawn
and just being near.

this is me, nate
the real me
I am good.
I love.
laugh.
care.

and Im sorry again,
( the unreal )
yelling
pushing
crashing-

this into darkness

when we actually shine a light of our own,
(that shouldn't be dimmed)
and I hope that you feel it

And hope that Im not just a place to stay-

an old lover hotel

please!

Im more than that.

My love is real
and so am I.